My first Ayahuasca experience: How I got in touch with my true nature

Yoga is the best preparation for a Ayahuasca ceremony

At first I didn’t have the courage to even take part in a ceremony. I didn’t want to face my shadows, be reminded of unpleasant experiences, or have a bad trip. Leaving the comfort zone is often the most difficult step. I just wanted to have a good time during my stay in Colombia. But nothing came of it. Because doing a training also means dealing with one’s own dark side of existence. During my yoga teacher training I couldn’t really let go, I was always too busy with my expectations and thoughts. The problem wasn’t the environment or the other students. The problem was myself, my behavioural patterns and the monkey in my head. The daily yoga sessions, the meditations, the breathing exercises and the philosophy lessons helped me a lot to feel better about myself and to observe my thoughts. Yoga is much more than just doing physical exercises on the mat. Thanks to my teachers and the techniques they showed me, I was able to experience this relatively quickly. The breath is the key to a calm mind, the meditative state is the goal to experience union.

Yoga is a holistic life task that begins with daily behaviour towards others, nutrition and can be deepened through many practices. Through training I have learned to see my routines, to understand myself better and to feel the connection to my environment. My meditation improved tremendously within two weeks. My mind calmed down during meditation. But I still felt somehow closed, I found it difficult to open up, especially to the other members. Something in me blocked. And I didn’t know how to dissolve the blockage, I felt inhibited. When the talk of the Ayahuasca ceremony came up again during the training and I heard that the medicine can also dissolve social fears, I wanted to know more about the ceremony.

The organizers spared no effort in bringing an experienced shaman from the Amazon who is very familiar with the knowledge of his indigenous ancestors especially for our event. We had hundreds of questions on our minds, some concerns and one or the other concern. But over the course all my questions were answered and my worries were taken away. In the end, the entire group of 16 people attended the ceremony, except for two people who could not attend due to health reasons.

The day of the Ayahuasca ceremony

I was pretty excited on the day of the ceremony. Due to the diet, I felt a little weak on my legs, I hadn’t had anything but water all day. However, the daily yoga exercises and meditations have prepared my body and mind well. This is also part of the ceremony: the body should be prepared for the ceremony through a vegan diet, avoiding alcohol, cigarettes, and foods that are too spicy or acidic. The recommendations come straight from the ‘Taita’ and as I later found out, the preparations vary depending on which the shaman is conducting the ceremony. We should also go into the ceremony with an intention, he said. What should I do, what should I ask? It wasn’t an easy decision. It took me a few days to figure out what I really wanted to know. During the meditations, my intention finally showed up. I wanted to know what my true nature is. It was that simple.

Around five o’clock in the evening we were taken by taxi to a secluded stretch of coast. Next to the sea there were several covered hammocks, a fireplace and most important: toilets. Depending on how well you tolerate the medicine, the way to the toilet should not be too far.
The faces of the participants showed anticipation, excitement and sometimes even tension. The Taita, a tall, elderly man dressed in white and with white hair bordered by a colourful headband, greeted each of us with a warm smile. As he picked up the guitar and started strumming, we gathered around the fire, settled on the mats and listened. Then came the first words of welcome and instructions for the upcoming ceremony. One of the organizers translated his words from Spanish into English so that everyone could follow. He explained the process in detail, what we should pay attention to – and most importantly: that we didn’t have to worry. With a big smile he finished his speech and withdrew to his small altar to mix the Ayahuasca potion with chants, various gestures and sacred rituals.

Ayahausca consists of two substances that work in combination. They are obtained with careful precision work from a tropical liana and a coffee related plant. The brew is black as night. I had no idea what was in store for me in terms of taste. As night fell, the shaman called us to take the first cup. We all gathered around the altar. The first person took the small cup and drank. Everyone looked intently, not a word was said, hearts spoke for themselves, everyone was fully present. My heart seemed to be pounding through my chest too, I was so excited. Now it was my turn and I devoutly swallowed the thick medicine. The brew tasted like it was from another world, like a child would imagine a magic potion.

My excitement was to last even longer. I sat on the beach, listened to the waves of the sea and gradually calmed down. In this stillness I found my mantra, a kind of chant, which I dedicated to Mother Earth. Without feeling any appreciable effect of the medicine, I sank into deep meditation, forehead pressed into the sand, my hands digging into the sand. I don’t know how long I lay there and sang. I can only remember that at some point my ego spoke up. “When is it going to really start?” The moment my mind became active again, I snapped out of the meditation. Suddenly I was caught up in my old patterns again. Instead of practising patience and surrendering to the moment, my mind twirled like an excited monkey. He probably already sensed what will come, a last gasp, a last resistance before a different order would take hold. I myself had no idea at that point what was about to happen. The Taita called for the second cup. Again we gathered around the altar. With the little chaos in my head and my expectations, I impatiently lay down in the hammock and waited. And waited. And waited. Then I fell asleep. But the rest was not to last long.

When I woke up, my perception was different. The monkey in my head was gone, finally. Instead, I felt something pulsing through my hips. The muscles in my pelvic area tightened convulsively. The medicine spread throughout the body. The urge to vomit and go to the toilet became indescribably strong. I felt like I had to flush out things that had been building up inside me for years. With some effort, I got up from my hammock and walked towards the toilet as if on a shaky ground.

How I found my true nature during Ayahuasca

A sense of relief afterwards. Everything suddenly went by itself. I moved towards the beach. I sank to my knees in front of a palm tree, not because I wanted to, no, my inner nature wanted it. This is where the actual inner journey began. I alternately threw myself to the ground and stretched my arms to the sky, sobbing, shrieking, grunting, and making strange noises I had never heard before. The movements and sounds had something animalistic, something uninhibited. I was out of control. Or should I say: my ego was no longer in control. Another power acted through me.
Nothing fears the ego more than giving up control, no longer being the master of your own house. I could only observe what was happening to me. There were no more thoughts, no more language, my head was on hiatus. Just this feeling of being whole gave me a deep, indescribable satisfaction. Everything was clearly recognizable, no hallucinations, no blurring, instead pure experience, my existence here and now, in front of this palm tree in the face of Mother Earth. I suddenly felt a dark energy trying to escape from the right side of my body. In yoga, the right side of the body, also called Pingala, it represents the masculine solar energy in the body, the active and fiery half. In my case, the right side of my body had been dark and difficult for me to access through meditation and mindfulness practice for years. Now I was to witness my body trying to reach out for an old hurt, an inner hurt from the past through an unhappy love. Tears of despair and relief ran down my cheeks, I cried snot and water. I let go, everything pulled me towards the earth. I have never cried so hard and been able to surrender to the moment.

The sobbing gradually turned into a loud howl, like dogs and wolves do. It wasn’t long before the first dogs in the area began to bark and howl. Suddenly I heard a rustling behind me. I didn’t know what it was at first. It rustled next to me. Something was slowly approaching. Out of the corner of my eye, I caught the rustling sound of the Taita with his fan. I stopped crying and finally calmed down. The rustling finally put me in a meditative, trance-like state. And something else was different. Another person, dressed all in white, sat down near me. At first, I didn’t recognize who it was, the night was too dark. I just felt that someone was there and softly singing. And then I saw her, inside me.

It was like her eyes are looking through mine. My eyelids were closed and yet I could perceive her. It was the woman I had been attracted to for the past three weeks. We had hardly spoken to each other before and kept our distance. On top of that, I wasn’t aware of my own feelings and was too preoccupied with myself. But now we were fully present. Not physically and not in my mind either. It was as if our souls had found a place, an intermediate level, where they could meet and be close to one another. I was sitting up straight in a meditative posture and she was a few feet away. Still, we were incredibly close. As close as I’ve ever been to a human being. We touched each other like we had never touched anyone before. We didn’t need hands for this, just our undivided attention. So we explored each other without words. For the first time in my life I felt what love to a person can really be. It’s difficult to put into words. The right side of my body suddenly became active, brighter and more fulfilled. I felt something of her connecting with me, entering and expanding. I regained control of my breathing, finally. I immediately began to breathe deeply and evenly. I used a breathing technique I learned during my training. Air has never had such a quality for me: lively, full and aromatic like a spice collection.

I took another deep breath, held my breath and contracted my pelvic floor. I can’t tell you how long I sat breathless. But it felt like forever. Then, out of nowhere, a stream of energy shot from my pelvic floor through my spine towards my head. It felt like a portal was opening in the crown of my head and the energy was pouring out into the sky. An indescribable feeling that combines pain, pleasure and satisfaction. After that I was enveloped by a white light, a bright nothingness. A feeling like an all-encompassing hug. I have never experienced such inner peace as in this moment. I can’t tell how long I was gone or what I call my ‘I’ was wiped out.

What I made out of my first Ayahuasca ceremony

When I opened my eyes again, it was morning. The sun was shining, the waves were rushing, everything around me was glittering in an unprecedented beauty. I had the feeling that for the first time in my life I was really seeing the splendour and beauty of nature. I still couldn’t find the words. What for? There was a glorious stillness in my head, I just took in. I got up and walked towards the beach, where several other participants in the ceremony were already bathing their feet in the sea, laughing and sharing their experiences of the night.
I was completely with myself, and yet somehow connected to everything. But had I just hallucinated all of this, what was real? That was the first thought that went through my head after a while. I had to ask her. The woman I spent the night with in another realm. ‘Did you feel what I felt?’ I asked her, looking back into those dark, deep eyes. She smiled, nodded and hugged me.

The next morning is like a rebirth, a new life in the same body. It is a state between exhaustion and ecstasy. I will never forget this night. I was finally able to let go during the ceremony, suffered and cried. It was all part of my inner cleansing. But what I really experienced that night is love. This is what Mother Earth wanted to show me. She gave me what I really needed: love. My love to nature and love to a woman.

After this first experience, I attended two more ceremonies and had completely different experiences than the first. The Medicine always finds its way to give us exactly what we need or should be shown. Today I live with the woman I bonded with that first magical night. I love her like no other human before. I finally took control of my life and do what gives me purpose and lets me start each day with gratitude. I looked for a new job that fulfills me.